Blog Post: Grief and Duty:
A Celebrant’s Prospective
of Personal Loss.
As a celebrant, I knew that at some point this year, my family would face the loss of a close family member. The last time I experienced death, I was in a different profession, and the conflict was not such a consideration. This time, I sat alongside my Mum, who is also a funeral celebrant. Read on to see what we learned along the way and how it will inform and support my work as a celebrant for the families I serve.
First Steps
Together with our loved ones, we have navigated the journey from the other side. From the call to say my stepdad had passed away to the service, there seemed so much to do. We utilised the helpful ‘what to do when a loved one dies’ sheet that all funeral directors have on their websites. These don’t just give you a structure, they give you purpose and drive when on days you don’t feel up to it. They reduced the overwhelm. Together, we divided up the jobs and shared the load. That approach – which I know is not always possible, also helped as everyone felt involved, but no one felt too much responsibility was sitting on their shoulders. It also protected each of us from feeling overrun with emotion.
Further Observations
In answer to the question….
As you have two funeral celebrants in your family why didn’t you lead the service?
Because for us, that didn’t feel right. We both know the additional emotional demands that can be put on the person on the day. Others in our family wanted to speak, and if they hadn’t, we would have let our celebrant lead. Realising our limits was powerful. Everyone is different, but do what feels right for you – honestly, there are no ‘rules’ that must be followed over a celebrant-led service.
Good Music Choices Help.
Yes, we did walk into the crematorium chapel to ‘Blue Suede Shoes’ but as Elvis gave it his all we smiled because that reflected my stepdad when he was at the height of his life when he was fit and well and strong. Long before dementia stole him from us. It made us cry yes, but made everyone smile and the energy changed positively as we walked in.
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Funeral Directors are amazing people who have care at their core.
Their eye for detail ranks alongside the military. Do let them share the load on the day, trusting them to do what they do superbly well. Every element is quietly considered and seamlessly choreographed by funeral directors who have compassion at their core. Calming nervous family members who are playing a part in the service, ensuring the day runs smoothly, just giving you a reassuring smile and letting you know it’s okay to feel sad. It’s also good to know others don’t feel like you do so they can ‘carry’ you emotionally a little that day. Lean into that support, it’s invaluable and powerful.
Celebrant Edits
Distilling a life into a 30-minute service is hard. Celebrants have that skill and may not be able to list every grandchild’s name, the childhood nickname for the car or every funny story. Still, they will pick out some of the highlights and with care create a tribute that allows everyone present to reflect on the aspect of the life lived that they were part of. They will get the service order agreed with you and ensure everything runs on time. However much I like to organise (and gosh do I!), letting others take the reins and just being able to turn up and take the journey that day as an observer in the moment, gave me the capacity to support myself and my family.
Kindness is out there
There is more kindness in the world than sometimes you think. From the Funeral Directors to the Care Home Staff, the Doctor’s surgery to the Registrar, the Florist to the Pub Manager who organised the wake: People were kind. Yes, it’s frustrating when you can’t get forms, when you have to keep telling your ‘story’ when you don’t want to do anything but feel sad, but honestly, people are kind.
Grief
Grief is tough and exhausting. It jumps out on you at unexpected moments; the days before and for many, many days after but on the day it can feel like a rollercoaster. You think you are fine then suddenly the music starts and you see your adult children bearing their grandfather on their shoulders up the aisle and it overwhelms you. You settle yourself, then the photo stream comes on and you are reminded of your loved one when they were young and had movie-star good looks, smiling out at you, and you catch yourself in a second hearing their voice or believing they are about to walk into the space one last time. Equally, just because someone doesn’t cry does not mean they feel it any less than the relative who sobs. Everyone feels and displays their emotions differently. Take plenty of tissues, and don’t be afraid to cry – they are just your emotions in liquid form.
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So, My Final Reflection?
Talking about your death before the event is good! Magical thinking does not exist; if it did, I would have won the lottery many times over by now! If I talk about my wishes for the end of my life now, it does not mean I’m about to depart, but it does show I accept one day, everyone has to go, and my family will have a plan in place. Not rigid but ideas of music I’d like, where I’d want my service to be held, what to do after, (have a huge party just in case you want to know). I will note it all down and probably change it frequently; I will make sure my family know where it is and chat about how they feel about my ideas, too. That way, when the time comes, that’s one less thing they must sort and can smile at their mum organising them one last time!
I think I’ll design a booklet to put that all in….watch this space.